State of Mind
Ok, mungkin ini akan menjadi postingan wa yang paling emo, maaf. Just trying to sort the shit out of me.
Am I happy with my life?
When there’s someone who asked me if I’m happy with my life, I just pathetically can’t answer that question..
I don’t want to think that I’m unhappy, but I don’t think I’m happy either.
Really pathetic, huh?
Clearly, I was happier with no mind-set, happier with being numb. It sure works, but that damage was done.
I am tired. I am so screwed up. I forced myself for not being my true self. I pretends to be extrovert, I pretend to be friendly, I pretends to be helpful, I pretends to care, I pretends to be cheerful, I pretends to trust people, I pretends to be forgiving, I pretends to know this-and-that, I pretends to be optimistic. I’m an actor of life. There’s time that I even forgotten which one is the real me. But every time I went home, when I’m alone in my own room, when I try to summary up the whole thing, I would think, “wow, that wasn’t even remotely me”. Don’t know why, I simply don’t want anyone that I don’t trust to see my true colors.
(But of course I’m not fully faking myself every time, I still shows my emotions)
Trust is my biggest problem. Had issues with that.
I really can’t trust people. There’s not a single person in this entire universe that I trust 100%.
For me, the definition of a friend is a person that is highly trust able.
That’s why, although there’s quite many people I interact each day, although there’s plenty of people that consider me their friend (I do really appreciate that), little of them that I consider a friend.
Teach me how to trust people.
Until now, my true nature is still this emotionally detached, highly cynical, self centered, egoistic, skeptic and introverted guy who wished to go through life without any emotional links or dependencies, so I would not have to suffer the pain of being neglected, being betrayed again. Maybe this is the source of my solitary and somewhat asocial nature.
Sure, I was happier with no mind-set, happier with being numb.
But recently, I’ve been emotionally attached to something and once again I feel the pain. Guess I’m not that skilled in controlling it yet.
I’d wish that after I wake up tomorrow, I can let go of all this emotional related things. Render me emotionless again.
I was happier with no mind-set, I was happier with being numb.
Maybe. (fcuk yeah, I hesitated)
sidenote:
Maaf klo Inggris wa ada yang salah. My grammar sux, man. Klo kata-kata diatas ditulis pake bahasa indo malah lebih jelek lho.
Kemarin ada seorang teman lama dari zaman sekolah yang meninggal, saya tidak dapat mengatakan kalo saya sangat sedih, hanya saja, saya merasa perih. Kematian adalah hal yang paling saya takuti dan benci, kayaknya sudah saya bahas 2x tentang kematian di blog saya (repetitive,huh?). Setiap kali saya mendengar berita duka cita, saya selalu merasa perih. Hanya baru kali ini saya merasakan bahwa kematian itu begitu dekat, semakin mendekat. I hate this cycle of misery. Kadang kita terlalu sibuk dengan hidup kita sampai kita lupa lawan kata dari ‘hidup’ itu sendiri. Kadang kita merasa masih muda sampai-sampai kita melupakan bahwa kematian bisa datang kapan saja dimana saja. Kadang kita merasa kematian masih jauh, tetapi sebenarnya kita semua sedang in the waiting line.
Call me naïve, but I don’t want to die.
Saya tidak merasa bahwa kata-kata seperti “Rest In Peace” ada gunanya, jadi saya tidak akan mengatakannya.
My condolence to his family.
Am I happy with my life?
When there’s someone who asked me if I’m happy with my life, I just pathetically can’t answer that question..
I don’t want to think that I’m unhappy, but I don’t think I’m happy either.
Really pathetic, huh?
Clearly, I was happier with no mind-set, happier with being numb. It sure works, but that damage was done.
I am tired. I am so screwed up. I forced myself for not being my true self. I pretends to be extrovert, I pretend to be friendly, I pretends to be helpful, I pretends to care, I pretends to be cheerful, I pretends to trust people, I pretends to be forgiving, I pretends to know this-and-that, I pretends to be optimistic. I’m an actor of life. There’s time that I even forgotten which one is the real me. But every time I went home, when I’m alone in my own room, when I try to summary up the whole thing, I would think, “wow, that wasn’t even remotely me”. Don’t know why, I simply don’t want anyone that I don’t trust to see my true colors.
(But of course I’m not fully faking myself every time, I still shows my emotions)
Trust is my biggest problem. Had issues with that.
I really can’t trust people. There’s not a single person in this entire universe that I trust 100%.
For me, the definition of a friend is a person that is highly trust able.
That’s why, although there’s quite many people I interact each day, although there’s plenty of people that consider me their friend (I do really appreciate that), little of them that I consider a friend.
Teach me how to trust people.
Until now, my true nature is still this emotionally detached, highly cynical, self centered, egoistic, skeptic and introverted guy who wished to go through life without any emotional links or dependencies, so I would not have to suffer the pain of being neglected, being betrayed again. Maybe this is the source of my solitary and somewhat asocial nature.
Sure, I was happier with no mind-set, happier with being numb.
But recently, I’ve been emotionally attached to something and once again I feel the pain. Guess I’m not that skilled in controlling it yet.
I’d wish that after I wake up tomorrow, I can let go of all this emotional related things. Render me emotionless again.
I was happier with no mind-set, I was happier with being numb.
Maybe. (fcuk yeah, I hesitated)
****
sidenote:
Maaf klo Inggris wa ada yang salah. My grammar sux, man. Klo kata-kata diatas ditulis pake bahasa indo malah lebih jelek lho.
Kemarin ada seorang teman lama dari zaman sekolah yang meninggal, saya tidak dapat mengatakan kalo saya sangat sedih, hanya saja, saya merasa perih. Kematian adalah hal yang paling saya takuti dan benci, kayaknya sudah saya bahas 2x tentang kematian di blog saya (repetitive,huh?). Setiap kali saya mendengar berita duka cita, saya selalu merasa perih. Hanya baru kali ini saya merasakan bahwa kematian itu begitu dekat, semakin mendekat. I hate this cycle of misery. Kadang kita terlalu sibuk dengan hidup kita sampai kita lupa lawan kata dari ‘hidup’ itu sendiri. Kadang kita merasa masih muda sampai-sampai kita melupakan bahwa kematian bisa datang kapan saja dimana saja. Kadang kita merasa kematian masih jauh, tetapi sebenarnya kita semua sedang in the waiting line.
Call me naïve, but I don’t want to die.
Saya tidak merasa bahwa kata-kata seperti “Rest In Peace” ada gunanya, jadi saya tidak akan mengatakannya.
My condolence to his family.
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